Chapter 1. The Introduction
This is the original, unedited, version of the Introduction from my book ‘Seeing Red’ that I began writing in 2010 (still writing…).
It explores my first experiences of anxiety, depression and self-image challenges that plagued much of my adolescence, and my motivation for sharing my story.
On Mondays, I’ll be sharing more ‘chapters’, old or new, in no particular order, that explore more stories from my experiences with mental ill-health and recovery journey.
I aspire for this to become both a reflection and real-time insight into how I’ve discovered the hope and inspiration to persevere through the challenges.
I had intended to wait until completing the book before sharing, though have recently resolved that perhaps it’s better to share what I can; some may not have the time to wait.
If you enjoy it, please share with one person who might need to read it.
Take care,
Pauly
Three days. It has taken me three days to write this first line. Who could have imagined it would be so hard to write the first line to your first book! When I first got the idea to write this book well over a year ago, I imagined a bold and memorable opening line. Something that people would talk about for years to come as the moment I emerged on the writing scene with a bang. Instead, I have rather disappointingly penned a sentence to merely ‘get the ball rolling’.
Having spent another 3 days thinking about it though (yes that’s now 6 days and only 99 words down!), perhaps it’s not as disappointing a start to my writing career as I first thought. Perhaps acknowledging the struggle in starting a book on the complicated issue of teenage insecurity is the perfect way to begin.
Yes, the topic of teenage insecurity is massive. It affects all of us at some point and to varying degrees. Adolescence is a period where we suddenly begin to care about what people think of us, as often as we might try and shrug off such a notion. It is a time where we suddenly spend ten times longer getting ready in the morning and arguments with our parents are a far more common occurrence. It is a seven-year journey of self-discovery which sees us slowly emerge from the shadows of those that gave our life its’ foundation. Most notably though, it is a time when the term ‘fit in’ is used about as much as the word ‘lol’ exchanged between friends over Facebook.
Teenagers desperately want to fit in. We seek security in the knowledge that people love us and want and need us. It is human nature to want to feel loved and is the reason for many a high school ‘romance’. In a time where we are still trying to work out who we are, to have that special person we see each day at school or work tell us they ‘love’ us, gives us all the comfort we need. Of course, our parents have told us for years and perhaps from that we have drawn complacent of their unwavering love towards us. Or maybe as we begin to forge our own path in the world, journey from the nest you might say, it’s the knowledge that ‘the world’ loves us that allows us to sleep easy at night. It’s the understanding that as if by chance, someone who just happened to go to our school or just happened to get the job at the same pizza shop could ‘love’ us for who we are? That a random representative of the world could feel that way towards us? Words cannot describe how one must feel.
There are many important decisions to be made during our teenage years. Throughout high school, we are being groomed to soon tackle the big wide world and the marks we get during these years affect exactly how we’ll go about tackling it. The question we were always hit with when we were younger, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’, slowly morphs into, ‘What are you planning on studying at University?’. It always annoyed me how no one ever asked me if I was even planning on going to Uni. But very early on we are fed with the idea that the academics finish Grade 12 and venture off to Uni the following year and the rest at least finish Grade 10 and begin an apprenticeship. If neither of those then something was amiss.
But for many of us and I dare say the majority, we have not the slightest clue as to what we want to do after school. We don’t yet know what our strengths and weaknesses are; and what makes us truly unique from the next person. After all, we are at an age where being unique is seemingly unacceptable and fitting in, there it is again, is the only option. Perhaps then this is the reason that we find such comfort and security in those teenage romances. I’m sure you’ve all had one or two of those good old ‘What do you like about me?’ conversations. A conversation that seemingly draws forth the same answers no matter the people involved. ‘Well, I think you’re smart, funny, kind…’ and always adding ‘good looking’ purposely last, despite always on the tip of our tongues, just to show we’re not shallow. Yes, that same old list pretty well applies to everyone it has to be said. Time perhaps will prove me correct.
Maybe then, it’s that for the first time someone is actually looking at you and acknowledging the strengths that you barely knew you had. While our parents have said the same things for years, the bias they inevitably include in their comments cancels them out immediately. ‘That someone could look at me and see all these good things?’ An instant connection and soon after the infamous ‘I love you’. A month later the romance is over and the next person with ‘the list’ memorised is on the scene.
The world is constantly coaxing us to gaze into the eyes of our worst enemy the rest of the world like to call a mirror and compare ourselves to its’ version of perfection. A target that is forever moving – impossible to hit. Perfect skin, perfect hair, a perfect smile, a perfect tan, perfect height, weight, proportions (figured that was the most polite way of saying it…) – is there anything the world doesn’t judge?
Yes, how we look is the source of much of the anxiety we feel during our teenage years and the primary reason for this book to be written. The title ‘Seeing Red’ is often used to describe a state of irritation, annoyance or anger and for me this was absolutely the case every time I stared at myself in the mirror. For me the term ‘Seeing Red’ took on two meanings. From when I was 15 and finishing up my Year 11 studies until now, I have endured an emotionally exhausting battle with acne. Yes, those annoying red spots that seem to ruin every opportunity for a social life.
Since concluding my final year of schooling prematurely as a result of this largely private battle, it has gone on to basically control my life. It has served as the basis for a severe anxiety disorder and a long-winded journey through the effects of depression. Suicidal thoughts were never too far away and I often scared myself with the ideas I was developing.
As the number of days from when I finished up at school to the present grew larger, the already limited social activities available to me grew fewer. And those that were on offer were turned down because I was having a ‘bad skin day’. Friends began to wonder why I seemingly didn’t want anything to do with them and hence my social circle banished as well.
Although acne is something that a staggering 80% of the world’s population have to deal with at some stage, I felt so ashamed to admit that it was having such an effect on my life. It seemed that the only person who truly knew how badly it affected me, was me – like I couldn’t relate to anyone and that I was all alone in this battle. This is probably more the reason why I’m writing this book; to give people an insight into just how great an effect it can really have. For those suffering with acne I wanted to give them someone to relate to and to the parents, friends and other family members looking on wondering what is going on, a thorough insight also into the things that were so hard for me to say.
I’ll always be the first to admit that my acne was never that bad and to most people it was basically non-existent. But to me it was as bad as any. It just goes to show that you really can never judge a book by its’ cover. Perhaps the reason my parents never understood the possible problem was because to them, there wasn’t one. Perhaps to them I just had the odd pimple here and there which to them was just a normal part of being a teenager that everyone has to deal with at some point during puberty. I hope this book will give parents an understanding that no matter how ‘normal’ you think something is, it never hurts to ask the question.
For a long time I waited for my parents to ask me the question: ‘Paul, is your skin affecting you at all?’ To which I could simply reply with ‘Yes’ while no doubt somewhat embarrassed. To me that was a whole lot easier than actually coming out and saying, ‘Mum, Dad, I have acne and it’s seriously screwing with my head! HELP!’. How I would’ve loved for that to have happened. Instead, as this book will show, I went through much turmoil trying to get to the point where I could admit that it was a problem. And to this day, it’s still one of the hardest things for me to do. Something that I even avoid speaking about to a doctor or Psychologist!
Acne was and – as I write this – still is a massive part of my life. With the last remnants still visible, the severe psychological effects continue on as strong as ever. I was contemplating writing this book when all was rosy again; however, I made the decision to start while it was still very much an issue. I wanted to truly capture the pain that such a teenage insecurity can inflict.
In writing this book I also wanted to reach out to those who perhaps aren’t suffering with acne. Those blessed with beautifully clear skin, but rather suffering with other insecurities – as all teenagers do. Over the past few years, I have come to the conclusion that if it’s not one thing, it’ll be another. When my skin does finally clear up, I’ve no doubt something else will suddenly stand out to me as a problem – something that I will feel insecure about. Hopefully though, the wisdom I’ve gained through this experience will help me to deal with that one far better.
After all I’ve been through, I can comfortably say beyond a shadow of a doubt that my battle with acne has ultimately made me a better person. In a way I feel blessed to have been through what I’ve been through, as weird as that might seem. However, when I see people around me now with acne, I can understand exactly how they might be feeling. When I see people around me now acting, dressing or talking a certain way to cover up their underlying insecurities, I can understand exactly why they’re feeling the need to. Ultimately, I feel I can relate to people far better. After all, insecurities might start in adolescence but can linger on for much of our lives.
I fall short of turning this book into a ‘Dummies Guide to Overcoming the Psychological Effects of Teenage Insecurities’. Rather I offer stories from the past few years of my life from which to relate to and to learn from. I know that if I had of known someone who truly understood what I was going through, then the road would’ve been a lot smoother. Of course, it’d be naïve to think that it would have been perfect and bump free (no pun intended); but hopefully in writing this book I can make your journey just that little bit more comfortable a one. If I can do that, then I’ll be over the moon.
Enjoy!
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